What is jealousy or being jealous? Mr. Webster says this: Jealous: 1. Fearful of losing affection or position. 2. Resentful or bitter in rivalry: envious. 3. Very watchful or careful in grading or keeping: Jealous of one's rights.

Jealousy: 1. The quality of condition of being jealous 2. Jealous feeling

From this I can see where jealousy can become or be a problem in any relationship. I think the key here is communication, and understanding the importance of it.

Part of this will stem from one's childhood and how they where treated. For "Fearful of losing affection or position" can be a big issue. This fear will stop us from building trust and forming the bond that we need. Knowing one's self can help here a lot. If you feel this way, you need to make this known and address it so that you can work on it together, not just act out on what you're feeling and never talk about this.

Open communication is so important and it has to be, on both sides. You need to talk about the feelings and try to look at both sides to see how best to deal with this problem. For becoming secure in oneself and a relationship is the key to not having jealousy become an issue.

When you do not talk about things or communicate openly when something is an issue the other person can't deal with it or change things to help the other. Resentful or bitter in rivalry: envious, feeling can and will arise. My Journal stops this from becoming an issue for the most part, for my Master can read it each week and sees where things might tend to be a problem. Then we sit down and talk about them and we work on fixing what ever it may be.

Lately, on a list that I post to regularly, an issue has come up about dealing with others in the relationship. Well we are active R/t and this is our life. It's no different then if I was involved in other activities and not BDSM things. We would be out playing pool and on leagues and such so I would be doing things from time to time with these people. Well, for us, none of that life is around now. We are doing things with like-minded people, for the most part. I do not need to be jealous if Master talks with someone else, or even if he hugs them and talks with them, for I know my place and it's clear that he is leaving with me, not them. Even if he may play with someone else, he's not having sex with him or her and I know that it's nothing I need to fear, since we have talked about this in great length. It's like-wise; Master has allowed me to play with other Doms, from time to time. For the most part, it's not just any Dom, but ones I have known for sometime and/or ones that he also knows. This is just play, the same as if I was shooting a game of pool with them. He has nothing to fear, and at times, it's done when he has to be out of town. I know the rules and follow them; he trusts me the same as I trust him. We talk about this often and make sure that we are both clear on what it is and where we are with it.

I know that, in time, Master wishes to add to our household another sub/slave to be with us. I know what he is looking for and he understands how I feel about this also. They will have a relationship that is outside of ours; some things will still be just for him and I. I know this and it's in agreement that I will allow others to become a part of what we are. I know it will be a major adjustment for us all. But it's less work for me to have to do. Someone else will be there to help with the housework and to care for Master. This will allow me some more time for other things that I wish to do. I do not look at it that I am losing a part of my Master, for I am not. I am gaining someone that can become my friend and someone to please Master and allow me more time for other things, so I am not so stressed when things are not done on time.

I have nothing to fear. Master is not going to leave me for them; he's not going to stop showing me affection and caring for me. Those things will still happen, and this will allow him to play with someone else in ways that may be limits for myself. He can still grow and learn and keep becoming better at a lot of things, and it will allow me more time to keep up on all the things I am working on. At times, I wish it were happening right now. But I know we need more time for us to grow and to make this family work before we look into adding someone else into it. We will keep talking about it and working toward the day that it will happen.

I have to thank my parents for giving me a stable childhood and for making sure I was well balanced in a number of things. I know myself well and I am not scared to share what I think and feel with anyone. They gave me skills that I can't take for granted and I never will. I am well schooled and grounded, I am secure in myself and know what I want and need; I have no fear to tell Master what I am feeling.

This relationship has to be built on a foundation of trust and, for the most part, I do not think I have even given Master a reason to not trust me or for him to ever think that if I had a problem he would not know about it. For one way or another he will know, if I tell him or if it's just in my journal. It's all about communication and that will never be stressed enough I fear. We have to make time to talk and work on things. I know most people make time to deal with punishments, this is no different. It is a matter of, okay, we will do nothing else, maybe give up that night to attend a munch or a play party so that we can have enough time to sit and hold each other and just talk. Work through things and see what are happening and where the feelings are coming from and what is sparking them off.

I was with a Dom for a long while and he hurt me with his deceitful actions and it cost him dearly, as he chose a sub that would not allow another in no matter what her mouth said. She was working on total power and how to get more of it and hurt others. Her hurting others gave her more power in their relationship. So I walked. I was there first and that meant nothing to her or to him, I was the one getting all the crap and just getting thrown the scraps of what time they wished to give to me. Sorry, that would never meet any of my needs and it's not what I got into the relationship in the first place to have.

It's allowed me to see some of the problems that can come to light in a relationship and different ways to deal with them. First, the Dom has to make sure not to fall into the trap that one sub is less important then the other one. As well as hear what he is being told, not to just have it go into one ear and out the other. He needs to pay attention, for some are good at games and he might not be thinking with the right mindset to see them. This hurts everyone. For me it was not a reason to be jealous, it was a time of trying to get him to see what was going on but that did not work either. I was not about to give in to any feeling that I had that I was above what she was doing and I was not going to stoop that low, no matter what. The hurt was great, and it still hurts, but I walked from it. I gave it a 110% to try and fix it and to hold on but I could not take anymore hurt, so I left. This is hard, still, because I can't change the Dom that he is or is not, and I do not wish to. but I can't live that way then or now.

I am so connected to this Dom it's not funny, so many things hurt and I can't seem to make them end no matter what I do. I think of him often and he is still a part of my life. Master understands this and he knows where all of my feelings are on this. We talk about it and I know in a way Master is still somewhat unsure about this, but he does not act on it, he trusts me and is allowing me the freedom that I need to deal with it. I know that we will talk about this for some time to come, and I can't break the connection that is still with this Dom. But I am at peace with it for I know that the Dom in question is not going to change and I cannot live that way. I was hurt far too much and I never want to hurt that deeply ever again in my life. Master understands this and he also understands my friendship with this Dom. I can't see any reason to be bitter or to still be at odds over anything. First, that is not my style, and I do not need the games. I do not like games, I hate them, and I will never have respect for anyone that plays games at all. Your messing with someone's life and you have no reason ever to hurt anyone. To know that you are and to just keep doing it is wrong. You need a good spanking and to be put out to be alone for a long while.

I understand my Master caring about others and his kindness to them, and I will never stand in the way of this. I will always tell him what I think if I see a problem with someone he is getting close to, just as I will expect him to do for me. This is the only way we can see to it that jealousy can never be a problem in our relationship.

I think if we are secure in what and who we are and that we communicate with each other openly that you can keep jealousy from becoming a problem, most of the time. These are skills that most need to work on, and once you have them, it takes work to stay on top of them. I am not saying it's easy, for I know that it is not. At times I do not wish to bother something Master is doing to talk with him. I know he would drop it all to talk, but he needs to get some things done. I can write about them in my journal and that, for the most part, allows me to work something out all on my own, or to see how silly I am being. When Master reads the journal, he will ask me about it and we will talk it over. So, in the time for him to read about it, I might have gotten the information I needed to see the real issue on my own. Then maybe I just need to talk and to get a hug so that it's all okay. Some things do not come that easy and they may require time and work for them to be okay, but I am willing to do the work and I have a commitment from my Master that he is also.

Just because I am a submissive does not mean that I do not have a brain or that I am less of a person. The relationship can't exist with just one person in it. so we have to work together on all things to make it work. It's not always a road covered with roses and, at times, we have lots of big rocks in the middle of the road that we have to climb to move on. This is when I need to make sure that I have made my needs known and that I am giving as much as I am receiving to go on. I might need some tender time of being held and us placing rules on hold while we work it out, and that is what it's all about. Sometime a punishment may go never done (I hate when that happens) but, if it's for the good of the over all relationship, it's better than receiving one and having it make more problems in the long run. I have to trust Master's judgment and, at times, that is hard. To have him say we need to deal with a punishment and then have him say that we are just going to make the slate clean and work on something, it hurts. For I know I did something wrong and am getting let off. I am happy, to a point, that I do not have to undertake the punishment, but I still feel bad for having done the wrong. It's a punishment more mental at this point then anything Master could do physically. Sometimes I do not agree with Master on this. but, in time, I do end up seeing his point and then it makes sense. I have to trust him and what he is seeing in the big picture, not just what is happening here and now. At times he will have to trust me also, that I am seeing what he is not in the big picture and he is not seeing it right now. But I know that if we keep talking and he keeps reading my journal that we will make it for a long time to come.

To keep jealousy more under control, I think many things should have a "zero tolerance" attached to them. If there is a problem, you need to talk. Never think it's not your place and make sure that one way or another your feelings get made known. Even if you have to write letters or notes to each other to get it done. Communicate and make sure you never stop communicating. If Master asks me something, there is "zero tolerance" for me not answering or going to write it out and giving it to him ever. I just hope that he stays this way for a long time, and that he does see if I won't talk the price needs to be so high that I will NERVER think of repeating this action again. We MUST have constant communication at ALL times.

Written by AWhitecloud

Copyright 2001 AWhitecloud All rights reserved, used with permission.