Well as a submissive I do not think I should ever feel anger with or towards my Master. I can be upset with him at times, but I think that I should be calling for a time out to fix what ever the problem is before it reaches the anger or mad stage. I do not think that flipping him off well my hands are tied behind my back is a good or smart thing. It could wind me up in a lot of trouble.

Communication is the key, and we all must learn to use it at all times. Sure at times it is not easy to take some things to him, but I must for it’s my job to be responsible. And God knows he is not a mind reader, no Dom is. It is just a fact of life and it’s a humbling time to have to drag myself to him and then say the words that I know will be displeasing to him. This in it’s self is a punishment worse then he can give me. If I want this relationship to work it requires a lot of time and hard work on both sides. This work is constant and not done one day with a week off.

Being responsible for one’s own actions is not something that just happens; well at least for myself it did not. It took a lot of work and my first Master dealing with it for sometime, now others do benefit from it. Some times it’s too hard and at times when I am pushing my boundaries I do not tell him, and I wait to see if he is paying attention or not. I know it’s wrong, but sometimes, it’s what I need. When he is not paying attention and I feel the rules mean nothing, well I am not as connected to him as I should be. This leaves the opportunity for me to feel mad or even angry, and I feel that this is where I need to do some work. I should go to him and make it known that I tested him and that he was not watching. I need to do this with respect and dignity, and to be totally open and honest. Maybe he was watching, but he chooses to do nothing about it, to watch me?

My Master is important to me and at times I feel hurt and just like I do not matter to him. Part of it can be from one’s own insecurities, but mostly because I have not been open and honest and gone to my Master and talked with him. I have not taken the time to communicate even little things with him that are happening in my life. Or I do not want to bother him or take is time from other things that I know he needs to be working on. But if I never go to him well he does not know how I am feeling and it will end up coming out in anger at some point and time. That is not an answer for anyone at all. For myself it’s disrespect for others or flipping them my bad attitude. And it’s done most of the time hidden that my Master does not see the problem or the attitude at all. He learns of it through someone else wanting to have words with him about my actions. Or myself going to him and telling him that someone had a problem with me. This is so hard to do, and not at all because I am going to be punished, but because I know that I have displeased him and made him look bad with my actions.

I am allowed to have feelings, it’s just how I act and use those feelings that matter. I should never do anything to make my Master look bad in any light. I should manner myself to bring him joy in all that I do. Not to have him say “now what did you do and to whom?” this is a very bad thing. At times I hear a lot of this question, but I know that in time I will get it and I will be a better submissive in the end. I have gone a number of years doing my own thing, and now I am longing to have my place as a submissive back in my life. I would love to wake with my Master and to be with him for a full day, to have him proud of all that I have done during that time. To have him see that I can be good and obey, and not just be bad.

Being bad can have its place, but it is not something that I would run out to do. It could wind you into a lot of trouble, as well heartache. I long to never be bad ever again it’s a nice dream to have and someday I might get closer to it even. For know I will just grow and learn as I journey closer toward my goal.

Respect is something that stops me from just getting mad and going off, it refocuses me that I need to communicate better with my Master. At times this is hard and it takes a lot out of me but in the end I know that my being open and honest will take me to ore places then not. Learning to communicate is not always an easy thing, but it’s something we must keep working at. To respect and to trust my Master is the basis of the relationship. Even when I am being pushed away and I feel out in the cold, well I might not go to him but it’s in my journal so that he does know.

At times I feel that our relationship means nothing or that I just am not important or worth the work, these feeling hurt, but I have to find ways to make them known instead of hiding them from the world. In the last year I have gotten much better with this, but right now…well lets just say I am not doing so well with it at all. Others things and people are more important so I am pushed away and it does hurt. It’s like being on fire and you can put the fire out. But my getting mad or angry over it will help no one. I know in a way that I am loved so I wait and ride it out. I work hard for what I believe in and I will hang on for the ride, but when it’s done I will look back and say “I gave it my all and I tried my best”. No one can ask for more then that.

I want to feel safe and loved and that I matter at all times. But I live in the real world and I know that I can’t have it all. I know that some major parts to what I want are missing, but I will have to live with that. No one can make it better or take it away. My Master does know what I feel and I hope he reads this 100 times. Well I can dream can’t I? J

Please feel free to contact me at awhitecloud@awhitecloud.com i will do what i can to help anyone, and i would like to know what you A/all think also. Thank you for allowing me to share with you A/all.

Unpublished work © 2000 awhitecloud ® Published © 2000 awhitecloud ®