This "Musing" was inspired by someone cherished by me, and who has found himself in a place that many CDs eventually arrive at. It is derived from my experience and from the knowledge I have gained from friends in the TG/CD community.
Under the links section in the table of contents, you will find several links to organizations that give counseling, among other services, to those who are undergoing gender issues. It is also for those who are directly affected by their loved ones that may be struggling, or "coming out", with these issues as well. I will also try and give a wife's perspective on the receiving end of when her husband, or significant other, decides that he wants to express his feminine side.
There are many forms of betrayal, but all are based on trust lost, and unmet expectations that were directly or indirectly agreed on by the persons involved, or the society at large. In this case, it's a marriage relationship between two individuals. We all know what betrayal feels like. We all remember the "first" betrayal in our early years when we were young and tender. And, by now most of us have been the betrayer. It's part of "Gottcha Karma" to experience both sides. Personally, I can't say which is more painful. Regarding the betrayal involved with a CD and their "unsuspecting" significant other, we will explore an observation of what appears to be a common occurrence. I will also shed some insight on the perspective that a wife may have. I first want to say that in this particular situation, the parties involved do love each other, but it appears that sometimes love is not enough, contrary to the fairy tales we have chosen to believe as children. Many CDs experience a taste of their fetish, or essence, before adolescence. However, it is usually during adolescence that the "fetish", the sexual attachment, becomes "fixed". (Personally, I believe it chemically imprints on the brain, but that's another story). Most of the CDs/TGs I know are mid thirties and older. Most suppressed these urges due to a combination of negative consequences by our society, and the rejection by peers and loved ones. About the only time it was acceptable to express this feminine aspect of one's self was at Halloween. I've heard accounts of adolescents stealing lingerie from mothers, sisters, aunties, girlfriends, and even breaking into neighbors garages where their washer and dryers were. (One particular story had me laughing so hard as I imagined the whole scenario. Short version, he was caught via the electric garage door opener, and tried to get out of the side garage door, that happened to jam, so he grabbed the first thing handy to hide his face, which was a yellow plastic bucket, and put it over his head as he ran out the garage with bra and panties on, only to run into a tree and knock himself out!) But, back to adolescence. This is an experimental and exploratory stage that oftentimes is suppressed later, often ensuing purges of their collections. This is a common aspect of denial and every CD/TG I know has gone through it at least once. Often it's a reaction that one experiences when their desires or behavior is socially unacceptable and they decide to stop this foolishness, grow up, go to college, and get married.
So there they are, several years later, married, maybe with children, sitting in front of their computer looking at CD sites, lurking in chat rooms, with cocks rock hard. That desire you thought you got rid of with the clothes and make up refuses to be gone any longer. You're beginning to realize that crossdressing means more than just putting on silky lingerie, make up and a wig because it's naughty and it feels good. Next thing you might start doing is wearing lingerie under your guy clothes, and maybe sneaking out to meet other CDs at clubs. Crossdressing is the outward expression of your feminine nature. You may be satisfied to express this nature occasionally, or the need may be much stronger. It varies from person to person. But, the need to be accepted by others for who you are is a very basic human need, not just a desire. You want to share who you are with the person you love, and who loves you. Why wouldn't you? How could you keep this from them? (Oh, did I mention that through your purging, you sought out someone that would help you stay straight?) Well, maybe instead of just coming out with it, you will test the waters. Then again, maybe you will just keep it under wraps. Will this person that I have lived with for umpteen years understand this part of me, or will they feel hurt and betrayed? It's really important that your communication had been good, because it may mean the ending of your relationship. I know people that have taken the risk and have been able to make it work out, and I know those that are recovering from divorces. From a wife's perspective, it is easy to understand the shock, hurt and guilt. It would be similar to a wife confessing to her husband that she has had a lover and asking for his approval. Most men would be devastated, as most women are when they find out their husbands, or significant other, is a CD. It is very threatening to a marriage, not to mention a woman's sexuality. Most women have been raised to be all that their husbands need, a myth that is unrealistic and devastating when she learns different. Some of her thoughts will be: ? I thought I knew this person. - Is he gay? ? Am I that sexually inadequate? ? What have I done to deserve this? ? Why is he doing this to me, to us, to our family?
Her thoughts and reactions will be based in guilt, feelings of inadequacy, and obvious hurt. It's important that you recognize this so you don't get hooked in. Staying calm, kind and loving is probably going to reassure her and ease the situation. Reassure her of your love for her and get some counseling to give the both of you tools to work this new aspect of your relationship out with. There are many CDs/TGs that have made it work out. Of course, if the relationship is shit to begin with, you would probably do better just to leave, and never share this aspect of your sacred self. I also wanted to point out that it is a very natural reaction during the "purging" process to be drawn to someone who is very traditional, perhaps to convince yourself that you are really "normal", whatever that is, and rejecting the part of you that is socially unacceptable, rejecting your feminine self. Sometimes you even marry them, love not withstanding, only to have this combination of Aphrodite and Medusa rear her head further on down the line, demanding recognition as every Goddess does.
It takes courage to tell all, to express one's self to our significant other at the risk of being rejected by the one we love, and seeing the confusion and hurt in their eyes. But I think it is more difficult to continue to live a lie. I encourage you to be true to yourself. Relationships are energy, always changing, and teaching us in the process how to embrace life, and the people we love. As you get older, loved ones and family become more important. Family and friends are all we have. And, being loved for who you are in your totality is a blessing, and a gift to others.